dear prudence thanksgiving
We encountered an issue signing you up. There will be other Thanksgivings—it happens every year—and right now it sounds like you’re pretty overwhelmed by the family pressure to be more “over” your father’s death than you are. Submit your questions and comments here before or during the live discussion. I sometimes end up refusing because I hate the optics of it: The men sit around drinking, while the women wash up. Dear Prudence, My father had an affair many years ago, and I found out about it. Of course, the nonsmoking part of the family doesn’t want any smoking in the house. I don’t want to be the drag, but I can’t deal with this. Why is my guest room not acceptable? Get More Prudie! When it seemed we no longer spoke about Dad at all due to this gentleman, I talked to my mom about it. He just informed me he plans to wear a T-shirt to Thanksgiving this year with a dead frog nailed to a cross with the words ‘He died for you.’ If he follows through with this childishness it may cause me to leave him.”. I appreciate this, but when I take them up on their offer, there’s a gender imbalance in the kitchen I’m uncomfortable with. If you’d be willing to reconsider doing so if your father were strongly against it, then tell him you’ll wait to hear from him before doing so. And yet, for many, Thanksgiving Day often ends in tears—or a visit from the fire department. You can tell him what you’ve found, say you understand if he doesn’t want to hear anything else about it, and let him know that you’re considering getting in touch. My husband and I are expected to attend a family yearly Thanksgiving dinner hosted by my husband's sister and brother-in-law. You can cancel anytime. Family dynamics and political opinions can be hard to navigate during Thanksgiving. My sister-in-law always takes credits for the pies I bring every year. If you are hosting a holiday meal, you have every right to cheerfully conscript your friends and guests into whatever tasks need doing in order for them to get their free meal. Dear Prudence, I am a senior female associate at a small law firm in a major city. Last year, he volunteered to give the blessing at Thanksgiving. Then the clean-living won’t have to inhale cigarette fumes while they inhale their food. But soon he was coming to every single celebration we had as a family. Do I share this information with my father? If she tries to argue further, you can just say, “I love you, Mom, and I know we’re all dealing with Dad’s death in different ways, but this is my final decision, and I’m not going to argue about it anymore. This would be the first time most of my family will meet him. However, my parents are the only family I have in town, and they were not invited. Help! Do you want to try to facilitate a reunion? Less delicious is turkey that’s been roasted in the oven, then imbued with the aroma of Marlboros. While doing so, I found my grandmother’s first husband—my father’s biological father. Dear Prudence,I recently did some research on an ancestry website about my recently deceased grandmother’s family. It also sounds like he’s only lashing out when kids knock on his door or play in his yard, rather than leaving his house and looking for children to push around. He may have any one of a number of possible responses; be patient with him and give him time to process this new information. Carpio; Dana Fuchs Thanksgiving is one of America’s favorite holidays. Here’s a recent Christmas-themed letter from Dear Prudence you might enjoy, with my advice to follow: My husband and I have two grown daughters, “Holly” and “Ivy.” I also have another much older daughter, “Gertrude,” born during my brief first marriage. It’s your house and you make the rules, so of course you’re free to tell everyone else to butt out. “If the guest bedroom doesn’t work for you two, I’ll understand if you decide to rent a hotel room” isn’t the equivalent of “My house, my rules, so put up or shut up, Mom.” But it’s a line worth holding to, and if your mother keeps pressing the issue, then you can tell her that you’re genuinely happy that she’s found someone but that you’re having a really hard time dealing with your dad’s death, still need space, and think it will be best to see everyone for Thanksgiving dinner while having separate places to sleep. Dear Prudence Doesn't Think You Should Bother Coming Out as Bisexual. I worried constantly about my mom. Join Slate Plus to continue reading, and you’ll get unlimited access to all our work—and support Slate’s independent journalism. Don’t cancel Thanksgiving yet. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. Dear Prudie,A little over three years ago, my dad passed away suddenly. This salad would also be a good option for Thanksgiving. Have another conversation with your mother in which you explain that you’re thrilled she’s found someone wonderful, but if something reminds you of your father, you want to be able to mention it without self-consciousness. Dear Prudence, Recently, my husband and I were arguing over something trivial, but it escalated and I suddenly found myself spinning out of control. Anyone dating a widow or widower, especially one with children, should expect, and want, the departed loved one to always be remembered. You have welcomed her companion into the family, so he should be grown-up enough to respect the memory of the man who came first. You can cancel anytime. I encouraged her to continue with Thanksgiving plans and said I would join my date and his family for Thanksgiving elsewhere. My flight was delayed four hours, and the airline lost my luggage. The guest bathroom had a pretty arrangement of toiletries (minisoap, shampoos, etc.) He’s lodged several complaints about kids coming into his yard without permission and sent notes to everybody warning that he was not prepared to take on any liability for their safety on his property. He began coming to our family events, which was fine at first. Tell him, “Whenever I’ve tried to bring this up, it’s felt like your main priority is defending the joke, and as long as that’s your priority, you don’t really listen. It was amicable; I decided I wanted kids, he didn’t, and he lost his faith. • Send questions for publication to firstname.lastname@example.org. This runs the gamut from telling him that there is no Santa Claus to a detailed description of the crimes of serial killers to an explanation of how animals are butchered for meat. I’m Too Hot for My Age: Prudie counsels a woman whose youthful looks bring her nothing but problems—and other advice seekers.” Posted Feb. 8, 2010.”The Pervy Principal: Prudie counsels a school worker whose boss trolls Internet porn on the job—and other advice seekers.” Posted Feb. 1, 2010.”Sticky Fingers Can’t Stop Stealing: Prudie counsels a good Samaritan gone bad—and other advice seekers.” Posted Jan. 25, 2010. If you wanted to get in touch with some of your (likely) newfound cousins, aunts, and uncles, you would be able to do so in your own right as their relative, even if your father didn’t want any part of it. and fluffy towels right by the bath. Resenting that they are now an established couple will add to the strain between you and your mother. I expected my father’s father would be dead. ... Thanksgiving is a time to spend with family and friends. All contents © 2020 The Slate Group LLC. My father has made it plain over the years that he has no curiosity about this man. Prudie counsels a letter writer whose atheist husband coopts Thanksgiving grace to rant about God. When it comes to this newfound fear of serial killers, you can keep reminding him that he’s safe with you, that there are very few of them, and that your neighbor was trying to scare him—which may lead to its own conversation about how to give a wide berth to someone who clearly doesn’t want company. Should I tell Grandma not to smoke, either? About a year after my dad’s death, she started dating a nice man. Dear Prudence, I work in a small office, and one of my coworkers decided to spearhead a charitable holiday project in which we all chip in to buy presents … “Abuser Seeks a Way Out: I’m an emotional bully to all my girlfriends. Maybe your previous talk with your mother felt like an accusation to her, and it hit a nerve, because she may be simultaneously happy and guilty about finding a new love so soon after her husband’s death. But don’t be afraid to name a conspicuous dynamic, and don’t worry that you’re breaking some sort of hosting etiquette by pointing out the obvious and asking for a solution. Need the Credit. You’ve run out of free articles. “Callous Co-Workers Count My Calories: Prudie counsels an American whose European colleagues monitor her diet—and other advice seekers.” Posted March 1, 2010.”Help! You’ve run out of free articles. I had never heard that version before. If you’re not, it might be better to close the lid on this Pandora’s box. The biggest issue here is not whether you get to bring three guests or one, but that your sister would bizarrely consider canceling the entire event because of a conflict over your guest list. He has a large family, and I am looking forward to going. But if the idea of spending Thanksgiving by yourself doesn’t appeal, I think you still have options. Holly and … She’ll be online at Washingtonpost.com to chat with readers each Monday at 1 p.m. There are serious potential downsides here, but you have a material interest in this discovery that is separate from your father’s. It would be one thing for your sister to say there is simply no room for your party of four—which would be awkward—but I can’t get over her threat to scrub the holiday. Isn’t that disgusting?” Posted Aug. 27, 2009.”Lunchroom Bandit: My co-worker is stealing everyone’s food” Posted Dec. 3, 2009. What should I do about all this?—Not So Thankful. Earlier this week on Slate.com (preface: Slate thinks vegan stories make for good click-bait), Dear Prudence printed a letter from a grandmother. For the record, my parents have invited his over for parties, dinner, and holidays. Every year, millions of people across the nation take to the roads, rails and skies to make it home in time for this special day. Thanks for signing up! And you'll never see this message again. He is withdrawn, is reclusive, and hates children. Given the age and precarious health of your relatives, you might want to explain to your beau that your family comes a little unglued when they get together, so you need to join them solo for the meal, but you would love it if he and his brood could come by for dessert. Our relationship is now very strained. You should proceed carefully and ask yourself in advance if you’re prepared to handle a worst-case scenario, one where your newly discovered branch of the family resents and shuns you for bringing this information to light. • Call the voicemail of the Dear Prudence podcast at 401-371-DEAR (3327) to hear your question answered on a future episode of the show. Emily Yoffe -- a.k.a. Dear Prudence, My girlfriend is the chef and owner of a local restaurant that’s recently become extremely popular. Dear Prudie,I’m in my early 30s and have been dating the love of my life for three years. But I imagine you don’t relish the thought of doing so if it would cause him grief, and I can also imagine your getting in touch with these people may potentially upend their whole world if they don’t already know that your biological grandfather abandoned another family wholesale in the 1950s. She is 91 years old, and I would never ask her to stand outside in the cold. She got extremely defensive. Dear Prudence,I live in a friendly, family-oriented neighborhood—or at least it used to be until “X” moved in about two years ago. Do I have any recourse here? Kevin Kuenkler. We have been invited to his cousin’s house for Thanksgiving. Do you want to develop a relationship with your cousins? He grew up in a community where all the moms had to work. My sister is hosting Thanksgiving this year. You don’t have to get into a conversation about sex in order to say no to this request. The problem is, I said my grandmother could smoke inside. And you'll never see this message again. Dear Prudence, My large, extended family—including my 96-year-old grandmother and my ailing parents—is getting together for Thanksgiving at my sister’s house. Now everyone else says they should be allowed to smoke inside if my grandmother is doing it. Is that normal?” Posted Oct. 8, 2009.”Dirty Pretty Things: My girlfriend has worn the same undergarment for weeks. “On the off chance he eats your kid PLEASE SUPERVISE HIM.”Daniel Mallory Ortberg and Nicole Cliffe discuss this letter in this week’s Dear Prudence Uncensored—only for Slate Plus members. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. We spoke daily, and I did my best to make holidays and special occasions as fun as possible. Advice columnist Mallory Ortberg shares her tips for how … I have asked the smokers, who make up about half of the guest list, to smoke outside or in the garage. I was glad to see her happy and began to worry less about her. Join Slate Plus to continue reading, and you’ll get unlimited access to all our work—and support Slate’s independent journalism. My Son Keeps Stealing My Flavored Condoms. "Dear Prudence: Thanksgiving at my family's was a nightmare. Photo illustration by Slate. He refuses to see that there’s anything wrong and tells me to get over myself. Submit your questions and comments here before or during the live discussion. Dear Prudence, I work at an elementary school with a very needy population. Dear Prudence: I have been happily (mostly) married to a great man for the past 17 years. He won’t apologize, either to me or my family, which is infuriating. Or do I leave it well enough alone and say it was never meant to be?—Family Ties. Can you help me?—Sleeping Arrangements, I want to make a real plug here for spending Thanksgiving at a hotel by yourself near the ocean. on Nov 23, 2020 at 12:17 am. Thursday may seem like it’s going to be an official day for family civil wars. My mother, younger brother, and I took it hard. Get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week; click here to sign up. I used them without thinking, just like I borrowed a shirt and a toothbrush from my boyfriend. You could also tell him that the discouraging way this holiday is playing out is making you realize that after three years together, you two really need to talk turkey. Surely everyone will benefit from the fact that the Thanksgiving meal tends to put even the most volatile among us into a stupor. Sometimes I stop and cry because something reminds me of him. • Join the live chat every Monday at noon. It took me a while to get back to dating. Slate relies on advertising to support our journalism. I think your best strategy here is to remind your son regularly that he shouldn’t knock on this man’s door or play in his yard. Her in-laws are staying over, so my mother and her new boyfriend are staying with me. He says that he still does, but after a year of living together, we are not married and there is no engagement ring in sight. We moved in together a year ago. What should I do? I felt as though she cared more about not hurting his feelings than about hurting mine. Sign up for the Dear Prudence mailing list to receive notifications of new columns and chats. This past election season, he ran for our local city council election and came close to winning. However, instead of a prayer he took us all by surprise with a two-minute rant about ‘the myth of God.’ Everyone was upset, and it ruined the meal. I don’t suppose you could tell Granny you want her to quit her habit because you’re worried it will shorten her life. When we began planning dinner, I … Her 17-year-old granddaughter, who lives on the other side of the country, is a vegan. You can still say that politely. Dear Prudence. The Woman Who Inspired 'Dear Prudence' Opens Up About World Peace, the Influence of the '60s and Why Kids Today Love the Beatles August 9, … When we began planning dinner, I said that I would be inviting a gentleman I have been dating for about five months, as well as his daughter and granddaughter. Thanks for coming. I don’t mean to downplay how totally out of proportion and distressing this man’s behavior has been, but for someone this intense and unreasonable, the best way forward is to avoid him as much as you and your son possibly can. I Only Get Angry on Rare Occasions, but When I Do, It’s Really Bad. What bothered me about it was that in that moment, everyone was full of joy and excitement over our new niece, and you’re the only one who felt the need to draw attention to yourself by making a joke about how unhappy this was eventually going to make them. I haven’t told my boyfriend because I didn’t want to cause trouble, but we are going back to his sister’s for the holidays. I understand you want to be with your new guy, but this is a recent romance, and a huge family celebration is not necessarily the best venue for introducing a potential but not-yet-established boyfriend and his family. Hopefully he can come to see that acknowledging your feelings and perspective doesn’t mean he “loses” and that this moment could have gone better had he been willing to ask himself, “What part of me feels so uncomfortable in this happy, loving scenario that I need to imagine a future where all of these people hate and resent one another?”, “My family are Christians who are active in the Episcopal Church. I told him my family would not be amused by that at all, and he answered that it was just a joke and we were all “way too uptight.” I’m upset, both by his comment in the hospital and by his attitude toward my feelings about it. I also feel that at her age, she can do what she wants in my home. Siouxsie and The Banshees – Dear Prudence The Cure – Plainsong The The – Giant Tones on Tale – Go. While most adults don’t thrill at the idea of spending the night in a twin bed, sometimes it happens when one bunks with family, and insisting that your host clear out of her own bedroom for you—even if said host is your adult child—is out of line. ... You’ve got little time to address this so that Thanksgiving is not a debacle. How can I change?” Posted Jan. 28, 2010.”His Endowment Is Cocktail Chatter: My wife blabs to her girlfriends about my large penis. This man sounds dreadful to be around. Dear Prudence,My father died last year after a long illness, and my mother immediately moved on to a new beau. All contents © 2020 The Slate Group LLC. Tell your boyfriend either his family finds two more seats at the table, or you are going to have to decline their invitation and spend Thanksgiving with your parents. Are there any men who can help me out?” Hopefully—I’m assuming the guys you socialize with are more passively than actively sexist when it comes to kitchen cleanup—you’ll see a few chastened faces, followed by a hasty offer or two. I started screaming at the top of my lungs, slamming doors--basically throwing a tantrum like a child. I try to act as a mentor to the more junior female attorneys when possible, but I am at a loss as to how to deal with one particular issue. I felt like a 6-year-old getting lectured for having an “accident.” My boyfriend and I got back home, but this situation still bothers me. I thought he wanted the same things. His sister lives in the Deep South, while we live on the coast. This would not be news you'd be required to announce at the next Thanksgiving gathering. Your situation is designed for the drop-by. Dear Lonely,I hope that not talking about your father for the sake of your mother’s boyfriend was not done at her beau’s request. Am I being unreasonable? Guys, I’d love it if a few of you would help me with the dishes this time. I’m hosting a Friendsgiving, and some people will bring their own dishes or booze, so I don’t even know if it’s appropriate to ask for help if they’ve contributed something to dinner. I have never stayed at anyone’s house except for a few slumber parties as a kid.—Good Towels, You didn’t do anything wrong. If your mother has made talk of your father verboten because of her friend, then you need to explain to her that while you’re not going to dwell on your father’s death in their company, neither are you going to wipe him from your memory. Because he did so well, he is being courted by the local party to run in another local election in 2012. Dear Prudence, I dread Thanksgiving. I’m furious, but X insists that the situation is entirely my fault and has warned that the next time my son steps onto his property he will bring charges. Dear Abby in Advice December 18, 2020 Mom Working Swing Shift Is Pressured to Stay on the Job. Do I reach out to this stranger? I told everyone to bring a dish or dessert and I would cater in. Just wanted to say thank you for playing The Damned “Shadow of Love”. I asked my boyfriend whether, if we were married, my parents would have been invited, and he said yes, which made me wish I hadn’t asked. The whole family fights over politics. Please try again. Cooking stressed her. Ask yourself, too, what your goals are in reaching out to your grandfather in particular. This led me to an interest in Pilgrim and Puritan history, and a few stories I like to recount on Thanksgiving. Recently my sister phoned me in tears, stating that the family is upset that my date would be bringing his family, and so the dinner is canceled. I spend a lot of … I think the best way to correct this is to be brisk and upfront: Once the chatter has died down after the dessert course, grab a few plates and say, “Every time I host a dinner party, it’s always women who want to help me clean up afterward. I have tried to explain that one smoker is different from 15 of them. It’s also to be expected that your mother’s companion would be at your family gatherings. As we were all gathered in the hospital, ooh-ing and ahh-ing over the little morsel, my long-term boyfriend thought it would be “funny” to call out during that special moment, “Wait until 18 years from now, when she’s screaming that she hates you and ya gotta figure out a way to pay for college!” This was said to my brother, as he was holding and gently rocking his newborn daughter. My guest room has twin beds. However, there is the kind of remembrance that is normal and natural: “Remember how Dad always claimed the turkey legs for himself?” And then there is turning family gatherings into a permanent memorial service. This is “unacceptable” for adults—my mother is demanding she get my room. Daniel Mallory Ortberg, Slate’s Dear Prudence, is co-founder of the Toast and the author of Texts From Jane Eyre and The Merry Spinster. Dear Dinner,Some families feel new faces liven up the Thanksgiving celebration, and some families have tighter entry requirements than a restricted country club. Dear Not,Your letter is a perfect example of how moving in together can get you further away from your life goals if a clear plan for achieving those goals is not part of the discussion you have before signing the lease. He abandoned my grandmother with two children in England in the 1950s, went AWOL from the Air Force, and was never heard from again. And, if you love this recipe for a shredded brussels spouts salad, check out this recipe for cornbread panzanella salad with peaches. The nonsmokers will have to cough their way through the meal. Photograph by Teresa Castracane. Maybe someone needs to slip a tranquilizer in her cranberry sauce. Dear Prudence, My large, extended family—including my 96-year-old grandmother and my ailing parents—is getting together for Thanksgiving at my sister’s house. I was taken aback, because I’ve always thought of that as pretty normal guest behavior. By the time I got to the house, I just wanted to take a shower and get clean. If a host says, “Here’s the guest bathroom” and nothing else, no reasonable person would assume, “Before I use the towels and toiletries provided by the shower, I should ask if there is a secret backup stash of towels and toiletries I’m supposed to use instead.” It’s fine to be a little fussy as a host, but then it’s incumbent on you to tell your guests what they can and can’t use. Alternately, you could explain to your sister that you’re going to eat with your boyfriend, and then you alone (or your whole group, if it’s all right) will come over once the meal is finished. I never thought I’d find a living man. He leaves the lights off at Halloween and shouts at any children who knock on his door. In a live chat, Prudie offers advice on the desire for a “quiet” Thanksgiving. Like Prudie on the official Dear Prudence Facebook page and like Slate on Facebook. It wasn’t the biggest deal in the world, but you don’t have to agree with me in order to acknowledge that it’s reasonable for me to have disliked it.” It may also help if you can drop the request for him to apologize to your family, since it doesn’t sound like anyone else has expressed a desire for an apology. Enjoy this shredded brussels sprouts salad recipe! The Specter of Famine I noticed we spoke less and less about my dad, mostly out of consideration for my mother’s friend. This upsets me: I got married at 20, separated at 29, and divorced at 31. There was a raffle for a full Thanksgiving dinner, in which all PTA members were entered. Got a burning question for Prudie? Put in a heater and a comfortable chair, and let Grandma—and the rest of the addicted gang—puff away. (Questions may be edited.). Dear Prudence answers more of your questions—only for Slate Plus members. I actually don’t understand why, after two years together, you would agree to an open-ended cohabitation. Annie just told me that she would like to be invited to Thanksgiving." My sister is focused on her family, while my mother has been constantly traveling with her new boyfriend. Dear Prudence is Slate's advice column, where Danny M. Lavery responds to your questions about relationships at home, work, and beyond. That way, whatever comes next, you’ll be ready to handle it. But since your grandmother sounds as if she’s still moving under her own power, maybe you could set up the garage as a smoldering anteroom. Photos by Jasmin Schreiber on Unsplash. And what do I say to my son, who is now having nightmares about serial killers and afraid to cross the street?—Neighbor Hates My Son. (Believe me, I know.) By joining Slate Plus you support our work and get exclusive content. Let’s talk later.”, Dear Prudence,Last week, my youngest brother’s wife gave birth to a little girl, their first child and our parents’ first grandchild. Dear Prudence,Whenever I host large dinner parties, only the women offer to help with dishes. Dear Prudence advises that we respond with regrets to a host that may cook a delicious turkey but casts repulsive ballots. (Questions may be edited.). All rights reserved. Or do I keep silent? I don’t want to be the one responsible for ruining the holiday here. Tell her that your guest bedroom only has twin beds, and if that doesn’t meet her standards, she should find a nearby hotel. Let me know if you make this for Thanksgiving by leaving a comment below. How do I persuade this angry, unpleasant man that harming a child with words is out of order? Am I a bad daughter for wanting to go to my boyfriend's at Christmas?" Accept that what seems interesting and a bit removed for you may feel fresh and painful for him, be prepared to listen, and take your time. Lindy West. Should I rescind the invitation to his family and have the two of us attend my family’s dinner, even though he doesn’t want to leave his daughter alone? Before we began dating, I explained to my boyfriend that I was looking for marriage and children. The next day, my boyfriend’s sister drove me back to the airport and lectured me, saying I should have asked for shampoo and conditioner from her and not used the fancy ones in the bathroom. It was hard to see, but my sister and I acknowledge that our mother did much of her grieving before our father died. It will help clarify what the next right move is, to have more specific aims than “satisfy my curiosity.” If you’re willing to run the various risks, then it would be kind to tell your father before contacting any of these potential new family members. Yes, it was a lot of work, but I like to cook. Never thought I ’ m dear prudence thanksgiving my home to making everyone unhappy—except your grandmother that... 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At his older sister ’ s family a problem coming up with Thanksgiving. …! At 1 p.m that I was glad to see, but when I do, it might be better close. ’ m in my dear prudence thanksgiving makes me want to be? —Family Ties Puritan history, full-length... Also be a good option for Thanksgiving by yourself doesn ’ t, and I a! By joining Slate Plus you support our work, please disable your ad blocker Butter Brawl Prudie counsels a writer... Feel as though she cared more about not hurting his feelings than about hurting mine on... I are expected to attend a family not a debacle holidays and special as!